Archive for March, 2008

Fake Movie News

March 25, 2008

Amanda Bynes To Fall Down A Lot In Next Film

(Hollywood) – Plucky, adorable actress Amanda Bynes has signed on to play Marie Curie in the upcoming Disney film Radioactive Romance.

The “She’s The Man” And “Sydney White” star will play the Nobel Prize winning scientist during her college years at the University Of Paris where Curie’s bumbling antics and goofy hijinks caused all kinds of trouble in the laboratory, enraging the always exasperated Dean of the chemistry department, played by British funnyman Ricky Gervais.

“Madam Curie was a pioneer in the field of physics and chemistry,” Bynes stated before shooting the food fight scene in the University Of Paris cafeteria. “I honestly believe this film will do justice to her legacy. We filmed the scene yesterday where Marie trips on a test tube, destroys a lab and discovers uranium. It’s very true to how it actually happened.”

Radioactive Romance will also tell the story of how Marie met and fell in love with her future husband Pierre Curie, who will probably be played by one of the hot guys from that Gossip Girl show all the kids are watching.

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More Fake News

March 17, 2008

Drunken Assholes Prepare For St. Patrick’s Day 

(New York) As New York City makes final preparations for the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Monday, thousands of assholes from the tri-state area are also gearing up to invade Manhattan to turn the annual celebration of Irish heritage into a drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination.

Dana Janakowski of New Jersey also has a busy day of public inebriation planned with her girlfriends. “St. Patrick’s Day in New York is a blast” Janakowski beamed as she tried on her giant green sombrero. “I wish I could remember how many places we hit last year. All I remember is that I woke up in a puddle of my own vomit in the basement of some bar on 43rd street. That was soooo much fun!”

“Woooooooo! St. Patty’s Day!” Long Island resident Tony Matteo screamed as he laid out his St. Patrick’s Day wardrobe – A t-shirt with the words “Do Me, I’m Irish” printed on it. “I can’t fucking wait for Monday, bro. I’m gonna drink a whole bottle of Absolut on the train so I’ll be ripped by the time we hit the city. Then after that, who the fuck knows? Last year I punched three bartenders who refused to serve me and my bros. It’s gonna be pretty fucking hard to beat that record bro.”

Matteo also hopes to break a few car windows and molest as many half conscious woman as he can before passing out in a subway station early Tuesday morning.

And Now, The Fake News

March 15, 2008
Death Of Girlfriend’s Dog Thrills Local Man 
When Diane Barber’s nine-year-old Yorkshire Terrier Jesse passed away from a kidney infection last week, her boyfriend Tim Chambers supported her in her grief but in secret couldn’t be happier the pain in the ass dog is finally dead.
“Man I fucking hated that dog,” Chambers whispered as he made some tea for Diane, who was in the bedroom sobbing uncontrollably for the third straight day. “Jesse had it in for me from the start. The first time I spent the night with Diane, he pissed all over my clothes. I’m not going to miss that little shit at all.”

Although he sympathizes with Diane and understands how sad she is, Chambers is only going to give it a few more days before he happily throws all of Jesse’s crap down the garbage chute.

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March 14, 2008

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