Archive for May, 2008

Boyfriend Won’t Shut Up About Brooklyn

May 29, 2008

When Diane Barber first went out with Kevin Griffin, she enjoyed hearing him tell her all about the trendy Williamsburg section of Brooklyn he calls home. Now five months into their relationship, the pretty Manhattanite wishes Kevin would stop talking about Brooklyn altogether.

“Jesus, if he tells me about another new organic microbrewery or funky handmade jewelry boutique that opened on his block, I will totally dump his ass,” Miss Barber muttered while Kevin smoked a clove cigarette outside the coffee shop. “It’s Brooklyn! Who freakin cares!’

Kevin was later heard telling Diane how his block association stopped McDonald’s from moving into a local storefront so they could build an experimental puppet theater for the blind in the same space.

Confessions

May 25, 2008

I thought I would share a few things with you readers. Hopefully this will complete the bonding process.

 – I can read an entire issue of Entertainment Weekly in ten minutes. Five minutes of the issue has a lot of stuff about Grey’s Anatomy.

 

 – I love that movie The Cutting Edge. Hockey player and Ice Princess skate and find love.

It’s pure gold dammit, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

 

 – I don’t know what the word zeitgeist means. I see the word once in a while in print, usually in The New York Times. And if you know what zeitgeist means, you’re lying.

 

 – I want to punch Gwen Stefani. Hard.

 

Whenever I don’t want to deal with someone (a person begging for change or handing out flyers on the street) I pretend I am talking on my cellphone.

I tried that at the table last Thanksgiving, with very poor results.

 

 – Remember that big stock market crash back in 1987?  That was my fault. Sorry.

 

There. I feel better now.

 

 

 

 

Sailors Arrive For Fleet Week – Local Men To be Ignored

May 24, 2008

New York – Thousands of sailors and servicemen arrived in New York City this week for the annual Fleet Week festivities, prompting all of the local men to become completely invisible in the eyes of the entire female population of Manhattan.

“Terrific. I spend all afternoon picking out the clothes to wear for a night out on the town with the ladies, and I get upstaged by some guy dressed like Popeye,” a Manhattan man who only identified himself as Austin grumbled as he surveyed the servicemen crowded into a neighborhood bar. “I can’t believe how white their uniforms are. The Navy must spend billions on Woolite.”

 Battery Park City resident Pete Holmes had a more hospitable attitude towards the visiting members of the armed forces. “My wife Heather and I love meeting these hard working and dedicated people, especially the Marines. Heather loves talking to the Marines. She was talking to a few of them over there a while ago…has anyone seen my wife?”

With Fleet Week now in full swing, many neglected men around the city are anxiously waiting for things to settle down for the summer. “Things are going to be great next weekend,” local reveler Mike Munger beamed. “This place will be crawling with depressed woman who forgot that Fleet Week was over, and I’ll be there to buy them drinks and watch their purses while they go to the jukebox. It’s going to be a kickass summer!”

My Workout Log

May 20, 2008

6:00 AM – Awaken from a good night’s sleep. I quickly put on my Nike Dri-fit pullover and my tights – the ones I run in, not the ones I wear when I patrol the city at night searching for evildoers.

6:10 AM – Begin stretching exercises. Lose balance while trying to touch right heel to back of my head and fall, ramming the radiator with my forehead before crashing to the floor.

9:27 AM – After regaining consciousness and applying Bactine to skull, I head out the door.

10:14 AM – Finish pre-workout breakfast; steak, cheese omelet, bacon, hash browns, blueberry pancakes, one box of “Trix” cereal, coffee, 1 pkg. Drakes “Yankee Doodles,” and two diet Yoo-Hoos.

10:32 AM – Arrive at Park via cab. Commence power-walking session by firing a ceremonial shot from my starter’s pistol. Frightened bystanders hit the ground and toss me their purses and wallets.

10:34 AM – Begin striding at a brisk pace. Realize I forgot to wear my heart rate monitor watch, so I begin to emit a loud beeping noise with each step.

10:39 AM – Rest break on nearest park bench.

11:52 AM – Awaken from my rest break. Have post rest break brunch at Tavern On The Green. The waffles are heavenly.

12:56 PM – Resume walking. Child on bicycle rides up next to me, asks why I am making beeping noises. Explain to her that I’m a sophisticated robot sent to look for bountiful food supply for a race of child eating aliens. I laugh joyfully at her shrieking.

1:04 PM – Body temperature rising. Begin shedding layers of clothing. Sunlight hits my pale pasty body; reflected glare from my alabaster skin blinds a group of German tourists, and causes a Yorkshire terrier to burst into flames.

1:07 PM- Right arm goes numb, heartbeat becomes irregular, running tights creeping up into some forbidden territory.

1:16 PM – Begin experiencing a “runners high,” I am lying on a gorgeous Hawaiian beach enjoying a frosty Margarita, when a beautiful bikini clad woman emerges from the surf. She lies down next to me and we begin making out big time…

1:18 PM- I am on the ground in the middle of the park in the throes of what can be described as a mild Grand Mal seizure. Luckily, a beautiful E.M.T. worker emerges from an ambulance and begins to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…

1:19 PM – I begin screaming when I realize beautiful E.M.T. giving me mouth-to mouth is actually a 300-pound park worker named Enrique. Awkward silence immediatly follows.

1:31 PM – A real ambulance arrives to take me away as people cheer wildly and divide my possessions.

8:10 PM – Removed from the intensive care ward. Begin planning next week’s workout session while writing thank you note to Enrique for the lovely flowers he sent.

Woman Spotted At Iron Man Premiere

May 1, 2008

(New York) The Loews Cinema in Times Square was thrown into a state of turmoil during a special midnight screening of Iron Man when a person believed to be an attractive woman was seen among the crowd of single overweight male moviegoers.

 

“This is weird, man,” comic book fan Paul Geller noted as his friends struggled to catch a glimpse of the pretty female wearing a form fitting Thundercats T-shirt. “It’s like she actually wants to see this movie. My last girlfriend hated all this kind of stuff. Okay, she wasn’t really my girlfriend. Okay, I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

 

Other fanboys in the crowd were also skeptical of the hot girl’s and her interest in the blockbuster film.

 

“She probably thinks it’s a chick flick because Gweneth Paltrow is in it,” Iron Man fan Steve Coleman sniffed as he snapped a picture of the girl on his iPhone. “I bet she doesn’t know where (Iron Man’s alter ego) Tony Stark went to school. It was MIT, by the way.”

 

As the lights dimmed and the film began, Coleman was heard whispering to his buddy that he’s going to tell everyone he scored with the mystery girl when he posts his review of Iron Man on his weblog.