I resolve…

Here are a few things I will work on in 2009.

I resolve to stop reading Heroes fanfiction on the web and actually watch Heroes.

I resolve to finally learn what the term “post modern” means.

I resolve to try to understand that a restraining order means that despite your best intentions, maybe she’s not that into you..

I resolve to stop sitting on my ass in a bar drinking. From now on, I’ll bring a book.

I resolve to accept the sad fact that Scarlett Johannson will continue to work in movies despite having no discernable talent whatsoever. A blank stare is not acting!

I resolve to stop giving a fake zip code to the cashier at Radio Shack.

I resolve to learn my zip code.

I resolve to clean out the barn so we kids can put on the best darn show this town has ever seen!

I resolve to stop referring to churches as “God’s crash pad.”

And finally, I resolve to be closer to my Mother and Father, Mr. and Mrs. Levier.

Happy New Year.

A J. Crew Christmas

Without a doubt my favorite time of year, and I’m sure you will all agree, is Christmas.

Oh how I look forward to buttoning up my Sutherland Camel-hair Topcoat and hopping into my Saab 9000 with my brother Chad and my sister Chandler for our annual pilgrimage to Connecticut to spend the holiday with our beloved father and his new wife Sandi (with a i).

Oh how I look forward to sitting in front of a roaring fire, my feet warm as toast in my Lace-up Shearling Mocs, with Father and Sandy (San, for short) discussing what College she’ll be attending in the Fall after she graduates High School.

And those chilly mornings in my Union Sleep Suit, helping Chandler prepare her famous Eggs Benedict with chocolate chip croissants. “Don’t use too many chocolate chips,” she chides, padding across the floor in her Striped Ballet Slippers. Oh, that Chandler, I sigh to myself, marveling at how well she’s doing now that she’s back on Lithium.

Then it’s off into the forest with dear brother Chad to find the perfect Christmas tree. Our Goosedown Puffer Jackets and Straight-Fit 5 Pocket Vintage Cords keep the chilly winds at bay as we trudge back to the house with our evergreen prize, discussing with Chad how those years in prison have strengthened his character.

As we gather in the living room in our French-Terry Fleece Henleys to decorate the tree, sipping mold wine while Father’s housekeeper Juanita prepares our Christmas eve dinner, we can’t help but think this is the way Christmas should always be.

The fire crackles away as we take turns talking to mother on the phone, who loved the Cashmere-silk Shimmer Cardigan we sent, and making plans for the new year when she returns from her “rest” in Palm Springs.

God Bless us, everyone.

The Dedication From the Book I Haven’t Written Yet

When I first entertained the idea of writing a book, two things immediately ran through my mind.
     First thing: Write?
     Could I possibly sit down at my trusty laptop and create an emotionally stirring and spiritually stimulating literary masterpiece to entertain and dare I say influence the mind of a fellow human being?
     Second Thing: Book?
     I must admit I was unfamiliar with the word. I was told they had something to do with paper, and I do remember owning one when I was a kid, but I couldn’t tell you what one looks like. Perhaps that explains the funny looks I get from the staff at Barnes And Noble when I walk in an ask them where the cake aisle is located.
     I am happy to say I have put that little problem behind me, and now the fruit of my intense labor is now in you hands, dear reader. Yet after all the time I have spent on writing my bike – oops, sorry, book. I still keep getting that mixed up. After all the time I have spent on writing my book, I still find it hard to believe I have achieved the distinguished title of author. I am an author! Yet another hat I have worn in my topsy turvy life. I think it will go really well with the others I have stored in the hall closet of my mind, like Raconteur, Lover, Victim, Defendant, Patient, Client, Gypsy, Tramp, Thief, Joker, Smoker, Midnight Toker, and, from a hazy period back in 1987, Meredith.
What should you, dear reader, have to look forward to?
     A journey.
     I will be your personal guide through the incredible potpourri that is my life. It’s funny, recently a friend asked me to sum up my life in a sentence. Mentally, I thumbed through some of the experiences that shaped and molded my life. Growing up on my Grandad’s kitty ranch in Montana, the years of Kindergarten, the birth of my two sons, Prince and Prince Michael, my introduction to rhythmic gymnastics, Crystal Pepsi, and my brief but turbulent marriage to that chick on “Boy Meets World”, these and hundreds other swirled through my head faster and faster, round and round hither and yon, until I finally said proudly to my colleague…
     “I like peas.”
     Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Maybe this is why they make me eat with special utensils whenever I go out somewhere.
     Anyhoo, here’s a book (whew!) that I wrote. Hope you like it. I’d like to say I typed it myself, but hey, I’m lucky if I know how to work a chair.