Archive for the ‘Local Newsmakers’ Category

Turnips Ignored Again On Thanksgiving

November 26, 2008

Millions of Americans ignored Turnips again this year, turning their attention to much more popular and better tasting food at the Thanksgiving table.

“I really don’t know why I make turnips year after year,” Rhode Island Mother Jennifer Milton commented as her family ate their Thanksgiving dinner. “I always made them because my Aunt loved them, but she’s been dead for about ten years now. I guess I still make it out of habit. Now it’s some sort of tradition I guess.”

In a nationwide poll conducted Thursday evening revealed a staggering 93% of Thanksgiving dinner guests passed the turnips on to the person seated next to them while filling up on mashed potatoes, Grandma’s kickass stuffing, and the cranberry sauce that comes out of the can.


Local Man Secretly Awaiting The Return Of Ugly Betty

September 12, 2008

(New York) While the fall means the start of football season for most New York men, Upper West Side resident Brian Dubrowski is happy for another reason; the return of his favorite TV Show Ugly Betty.

“Don’t tell anyone, but I can’t wait for the season premiere on September 25th,” Dubrowski whispered as his friends watched Monday Night Football in his living room. “I’m dying to know if Betty chooses Gio or Henry. Personally I hope she picks Gio. They seem right, you know? ”

Brian then told his friends he was checking his fantasy football team’s stats on his laptop when in realty he was logged onto an Ugly Betty chatroom discussing Daniel’s son and the new man in Hilda’s life.

Guitar Player Sucks At Guitar Hero

July 21, 2008

(New York) Local musician Eric Krane has been playing guitar all his life, yet cannot make it through the easiest levels of the popular video game Guitar Hero.

“Shit, why can’t I do this,” Krane groused as he fumbled with the fret buttons, trying to strum along to Deep Purple’s Smoke On The Water. “I studied classical guitar technique in music school and I play in a freaking band. Christ, I taught myself to play this song when I was seven!”

Krane’s twelve-year-old nephew Steven who plays the game in expert mode, believes his Uncle can stop sucking if he totally practices more.

Air Conditioning Saves Relationship

June 9, 2008

(New York) West Side resident Glen Fisher decided to break up with his longtime girlfriend this weekend, but with the record heat wave that’s currently gripping the city, the thought of leaving her air-conditioned apartment is making him rethink his decision.
“Robin and I never had much in common,” Fisher commented while enjoying a pint with his friend. “She doesn’t like to drink, I hate her friends, and she keeps bugging me about getting a better job, but the one thing we always agreed on was that the central air conditioning in her condo is awesome! I swear to God, it’s like a freaking meat locker in there!”

Fisher later decided to give the relationship another chance for Robin’s sake, or until next week when a Canadian cold front moves in and temperatures drop down to the mid to upper seventies.

Boyfriend Won’t Shut Up About Brooklyn

May 29, 2008

When Diane Barber first went out with Kevin Griffin, she enjoyed hearing him tell her all about the trendy Williamsburg section of Brooklyn he calls home. Now five months into their relationship, the pretty Manhattanite wishes Kevin would stop talking about Brooklyn altogether.

“Jesus, if he tells me about another new organic microbrewery or funky handmade jewelry boutique that opened on his block, I will totally dump his ass,” Miss Barber muttered while Kevin smoked a clove cigarette outside the coffee shop. “It’s Brooklyn! Who freakin cares!’

Kevin was later heard telling Diane how his block association stopped McDonald’s from moving into a local storefront so they could build an experimental puppet theater for the blind in the same space.

Local VCR, 13, Unused For Years, Dies

April 7, 2008

(New York) A JVC VCR was pronounced dead Thursday evening, it’s lifeless plastic body failing to respond to repeated presses of the On/Off button.

Actual time of death will never be determined since the owner Nicole Rossman cannot recall the last time she actually used the 4 Head Video Cassette Recorder which featured Hi Fi sound capabilities.

“It used to belong to my former roommate who I think bought it in college,” Rossman sighed as she cleaned the shelf under the TV where the Progressive Scan VCR used to occupy. “I never used it since I Tivo everything and watch movies on DVD. I couldn’t even tell you what happened to the remote.”

With a partially viewed copy of While You Were Sleeping starring Sandra Bullock still inside, the VCR was laid to rest in the basement of Nicole’s apartment building between the recycling bins and the never used fondue pot left there by the guy in 5C.