Boyfriend Won’t Shut Up About Brooklyn

May 29, 2008

When Diane Barber first went out with Kevin Griffin, she enjoyed hearing him tell her all about the trendy Williamsburg section of Brooklyn he calls home. Now five months into their relationship, the pretty Manhattanite wishes Kevin would stop talking about Brooklyn altogether.

“Jesus, if he tells me about another new organic microbrewery or funky handmade jewelry boutique that opened on his block, I will totally dump his ass,” Miss Barber muttered while Kevin smoked a clove cigarette outside the coffee shop. “It’s Brooklyn! Who freakin cares!’

Kevin was later heard telling Diane how his block association stopped McDonald’s from moving into a local storefront so they could build an experimental puppet theater for the blind in the same space.

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Confessions

May 25, 2008

I thought I would share a few things with you readers. Hopefully this will complete the bonding process.

 – I can read an entire issue of Entertainment Weekly in ten minutes. Five minutes of the issue has a lot of stuff about Grey’s Anatomy.

 

 – I love that movie The Cutting Edge. Hockey player and Ice Princess skate and find love.

It’s pure gold dammit, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

 

 – I don’t know what the word zeitgeist means. I see the word once in a while in print, usually in The New York Times. And if you know what zeitgeist means, you’re lying.

 

 – I want to punch Gwen Stefani. Hard.

 

Whenever I don’t want to deal with someone (a person begging for change or handing out flyers on the street) I pretend I am talking on my cellphone.

I tried that at the table last Thanksgiving, with very poor results.

 

 – Remember that big stock market crash back in 1987?  That was my fault. Sorry.

 

There. I feel better now.

 

 

 

 

Sailors Arrive For Fleet Week – Local Men To be Ignored

May 24, 2008

New York – Thousands of sailors and servicemen arrived in New York City this week for the annual Fleet Week festivities, prompting all of the local men to become completely invisible in the eyes of the entire female population of Manhattan.

“Terrific. I spend all afternoon picking out the clothes to wear for a night out on the town with the ladies, and I get upstaged by some guy dressed like Popeye,” a Manhattan man who only identified himself as Austin grumbled as he surveyed the servicemen crowded into a neighborhood bar. “I can’t believe how white their uniforms are. The Navy must spend billions on Woolite.”

 Battery Park City resident Pete Holmes had a more hospitable attitude towards the visiting members of the armed forces. “My wife Heather and I love meeting these hard working and dedicated people, especially the Marines. Heather loves talking to the Marines. She was talking to a few of them over there a while ago…has anyone seen my wife?”

With Fleet Week now in full swing, many neglected men around the city are anxiously waiting for things to settle down for the summer. “Things are going to be great next weekend,” local reveler Mike Munger beamed. “This place will be crawling with depressed woman who forgot that Fleet Week was over, and I’ll be there to buy them drinks and watch their purses while they go to the jukebox. It’s going to be a kickass summer!”

My Workout Log

May 20, 2008

6:00 AM – Awaken from a good night’s sleep. I quickly put on my Nike Dri-fit pullover and my tights – the ones I run in, not the ones I wear when I patrol the city at night searching for evildoers.

6:10 AM – Begin stretching exercises. Lose balance while trying to touch right heel to back of my head and fall, ramming the radiator with my forehead before crashing to the floor.

9:27 AM – After regaining consciousness and applying Bactine to skull, I head out the door.

10:14 AM – Finish pre-workout breakfast; steak, cheese omelet, bacon, hash browns, blueberry pancakes, one box of “Trix” cereal, coffee, 1 pkg. Drakes “Yankee Doodles,” and two diet Yoo-Hoos.

10:32 AM – Arrive at Park via cab. Commence power-walking session by firing a ceremonial shot from my starter’s pistol. Frightened bystanders hit the ground and toss me their purses and wallets.

10:34 AM – Begin striding at a brisk pace. Realize I forgot to wear my heart rate monitor watch, so I begin to emit a loud beeping noise with each step.

10:39 AM – Rest break on nearest park bench.

11:52 AM – Awaken from my rest break. Have post rest break brunch at Tavern On The Green. The waffles are heavenly.

12:56 PM – Resume walking. Child on bicycle rides up next to me, asks why I am making beeping noises. Explain to her that I’m a sophisticated robot sent to look for bountiful food supply for a race of child eating aliens. I laugh joyfully at her shrieking.

1:04 PM – Body temperature rising. Begin shedding layers of clothing. Sunlight hits my pale pasty body; reflected glare from my alabaster skin blinds a group of German tourists, and causes a Yorkshire terrier to burst into flames.

1:07 PM- Right arm goes numb, heartbeat becomes irregular, running tights creeping up into some forbidden territory.

1:16 PM – Begin experiencing a “runners high,” I am lying on a gorgeous Hawaiian beach enjoying a frosty Margarita, when a beautiful bikini clad woman emerges from the surf. She lies down next to me and we begin making out big time…

1:18 PM- I am on the ground in the middle of the park in the throes of what can be described as a mild Grand Mal seizure. Luckily, a beautiful E.M.T. worker emerges from an ambulance and begins to give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…

1:19 PM – I begin screaming when I realize beautiful E.M.T. giving me mouth-to mouth is actually a 300-pound park worker named Enrique. Awkward silence immediatly follows.

1:31 PM – A real ambulance arrives to take me away as people cheer wildly and divide my possessions.

8:10 PM – Removed from the intensive care ward. Begin planning next week’s workout session while writing thank you note to Enrique for the lovely flowers he sent.

Woman Spotted At Iron Man Premiere

May 1, 2008

(New York) The Loews Cinema in Times Square was thrown into a state of turmoil during a special midnight screening of Iron Man when a person believed to be an attractive woman was seen among the crowd of single overweight male moviegoers.

 

“This is weird, man,” comic book fan Paul Geller noted as his friends struggled to catch a glimpse of the pretty female wearing a form fitting Thundercats T-shirt. “It’s like she actually wants to see this movie. My last girlfriend hated all this kind of stuff. Okay, she wasn’t really my girlfriend. Okay, I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

 

Other fanboys in the crowd were also skeptical of the hot girl’s and her interest in the blockbuster film.

 

“She probably thinks it’s a chick flick because Gweneth Paltrow is in it,” Iron Man fan Steve Coleman sniffed as he snapped a picture of the girl on his iPhone. “I bet she doesn’t know where (Iron Man’s alter ego) Tony Stark went to school. It was MIT, by the way.”

 

As the lights dimmed and the film began, Coleman was heard whispering to his buddy that he’s going to tell everyone he scored with the mystery girl when he posts his review of Iron Man on his weblog.

Local VCR, 13, Unused For Years, Dies

April 7, 2008

(New York) A JVC VCR was pronounced dead Thursday evening, it’s lifeless plastic body failing to respond to repeated presses of the On/Off button.

Actual time of death will never be determined since the owner Nicole Rossman cannot recall the last time she actually used the 4 Head Video Cassette Recorder which featured Hi Fi sound capabilities.

“It used to belong to my former roommate who I think bought it in college,” Rossman sighed as she cleaned the shelf under the TV where the Progressive Scan VCR used to occupy. “I never used it since I Tivo everything and watch movies on DVD. I couldn’t even tell you what happened to the remote.”

With a partially viewed copy of While You Were Sleeping starring Sandra Bullock still inside, the VCR was laid to rest in the basement of Nicole’s apartment building between the recycling bins and the never used fondue pot left there by the guy in 5C.

Fake Movie News

March 25, 2008

Amanda Bynes To Fall Down A Lot In Next Film

(Hollywood) – Plucky, adorable actress Amanda Bynes has signed on to play Marie Curie in the upcoming Disney film Radioactive Romance.

The “She’s The Man” And “Sydney White” star will play the Nobel Prize winning scientist during her college years at the University Of Paris where Curie’s bumbling antics and goofy hijinks caused all kinds of trouble in the laboratory, enraging the always exasperated Dean of the chemistry department, played by British funnyman Ricky Gervais.

“Madam Curie was a pioneer in the field of physics and chemistry,” Bynes stated before shooting the food fight scene in the University Of Paris cafeteria. “I honestly believe this film will do justice to her legacy. We filmed the scene yesterday where Marie trips on a test tube, destroys a lab and discovers uranium. It’s very true to how it actually happened.”

Radioactive Romance will also tell the story of how Marie met and fell in love with her future husband Pierre Curie, who will probably be played by one of the hot guys from that Gossip Girl show all the kids are watching.

More Fake News

March 17, 2008

Drunken Assholes Prepare For St. Patrick’s Day 

(New York) As New York City makes final preparations for the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on Monday, thousands of assholes from the tri-state area are also gearing up to invade Manhattan to turn the annual celebration of Irish heritage into a drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination.

Dana Janakowski of New Jersey also has a busy day of public inebriation planned with her girlfriends. “St. Patrick’s Day in New York is a blast” Janakowski beamed as she tried on her giant green sombrero. “I wish I could remember how many places we hit last year. All I remember is that I woke up in a puddle of my own vomit in the basement of some bar on 43rd street. That was soooo much fun!”

“Woooooooo! St. Patty’s Day!” Long Island resident Tony Matteo screamed as he laid out his St. Patrick’s Day wardrobe – A t-shirt with the words “Do Me, I’m Irish” printed on it. “I can’t fucking wait for Monday, bro. I’m gonna drink a whole bottle of Absolut on the train so I’ll be ripped by the time we hit the city. Then after that, who the fuck knows? Last year I punched three bartenders who refused to serve me and my bros. It’s gonna be pretty fucking hard to beat that record bro.”

Matteo also hopes to break a few car windows and molest as many half conscious woman as he can before passing out in a subway station early Tuesday morning.

And Now, The Fake News

March 15, 2008
Death Of Girlfriend’s Dog Thrills Local Man 
When Diane Barber’s nine-year-old Yorkshire Terrier Jesse passed away from a kidney infection last week, her boyfriend Tim Chambers supported her in her grief but in secret couldn’t be happier the pain in the ass dog is finally dead.
“Man I fucking hated that dog,” Chambers whispered as he made some tea for Diane, who was in the bedroom sobbing uncontrollably for the third straight day. “Jesse had it in for me from the start. The first time I spent the night with Diane, he pissed all over my clothes. I’m not going to miss that little shit at all.”

Although he sympathizes with Diane and understands how sad she is, Chambers is only going to give it a few more days before he happily throws all of Jesse’s crap down the garbage chute.

Hello world!

March 14, 2008

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