Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Turnips Ignored Again On Thanksgiving

November 26, 2008

Millions of Americans ignored Turnips again this year, turning their attention to much more popular and better tasting food at the Thanksgiving table.

“I really don’t know why I make turnips year after year,” Rhode Island Mother Jennifer Milton commented as her family ate their Thanksgiving dinner. “I always made them because my Aunt loved them, but she’s been dead for about ten years now. I guess I still make it out of habit. Now it’s some sort of tradition I guess.”

In a nationwide poll conducted Thursday evening revealed a staggering 93% of Thanksgiving dinner guests passed the turnips on to the person seated next to them while filling up on mashed potatoes, Grandma’s kickass stuffing, and the cranberry sauce that comes out of the can.

Imaginary Girlfriend Dumped

July 15, 2008

(New York) Vanessa, the imaginary girlfriend of midtown resident Tim Rogers was devastated to learn that she had been dumped over the weekend; replaced by Christine Moore, a real flesh and blood woman Rogers met through friends.

“I cannot believe this has happened,” said the figment of Tim’s imagination who has been with him since his last breakup. “I should have known he was pulling away from me when he started conversing with real girls at bars instead of sitting in a corner talking to me.”

Though reomorseful, Rogers was very straightforward about his decision to end things with Venessa, a sexy brunette who looks like a combination of Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima and that hot chick from the Transformers movie.

“Vanessa was a great fantasy girl,” Rogers said as he prepared for his date with Christine. “But I’m looking for a woman who has thoughts other than my own and wears something other than a schoolgirl outfit. Plus, it’s so much easier to have a conversation with Christine since I don’t have to do both voices.”

Vanessa sadly packed up her imaginary belongings and quietly moved to the back of Roger’s subconscious mind early Tuesday morning, where she will share a small space with Roger’s imaginary childhood friend Toby and that incident at Summer camp in 1982 that is just waiting to escape.

Air Conditioning Saves Relationship

June 9, 2008

(New York) West Side resident Glen Fisher decided to break up with his longtime girlfriend this weekend, but with the record heat wave that’s currently gripping the city, the thought of leaving her air-conditioned apartment is making him rethink his decision.
 
“Robin and I never had much in common,” Fisher commented while enjoying a pint with his friend. “She doesn’t like to drink, I hate her friends, and she keeps bugging me about getting a better job, but the one thing we always agreed on was that the central air conditioning in her condo is awesome! I swear to God, it’s like a freaking meat locker in there!”

Fisher later decided to give the relationship another chance for Robin’s sake, or until next week when a Canadian cold front moves in and temperatures drop down to the mid to upper seventies.

Confessions

May 25, 2008

I thought I would share a few things with you readers. Hopefully this will complete the bonding process.

 – I can read an entire issue of Entertainment Weekly in ten minutes. Five minutes of the issue has a lot of stuff about Grey’s Anatomy.

 

 – I love that movie The Cutting Edge. Hockey player and Ice Princess skate and find love.

It’s pure gold dammit, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

 

 – I don’t know what the word zeitgeist means. I see the word once in a while in print, usually in The New York Times. And if you know what zeitgeist means, you’re lying.

 

 – I want to punch Gwen Stefani. Hard.

 

Whenever I don’t want to deal with someone (a person begging for change or handing out flyers on the street) I pretend I am talking on my cellphone.

I tried that at the table last Thanksgiving, with very poor results.

 

 – Remember that big stock market crash back in 1987?  That was my fault. Sorry.

 

There. I feel better now.

 

 

 

 

Sailors Arrive For Fleet Week – Local Men To be Ignored

May 24, 2008

New York – Thousands of sailors and servicemen arrived in New York City this week for the annual Fleet Week festivities, prompting all of the local men to become completely invisible in the eyes of the entire female population of Manhattan.

“Terrific. I spend all afternoon picking out the clothes to wear for a night out on the town with the ladies, and I get upstaged by some guy dressed like Popeye,” a Manhattan man who only identified himself as Austin grumbled as he surveyed the servicemen crowded into a neighborhood bar. “I can’t believe how white their uniforms are. The Navy must spend billions on Woolite.”

 Battery Park City resident Pete Holmes had a more hospitable attitude towards the visiting members of the armed forces. “My wife Heather and I love meeting these hard working and dedicated people, especially the Marines. Heather loves talking to the Marines. She was talking to a few of them over there a while ago…has anyone seen my wife?”

With Fleet Week now in full swing, many neglected men around the city are anxiously waiting for things to settle down for the summer. “Things are going to be great next weekend,” local reveler Mike Munger beamed. “This place will be crawling with depressed woman who forgot that Fleet Week was over, and I’ll be there to buy them drinks and watch their purses while they go to the jukebox. It’s going to be a kickass summer!”

Woman Spotted At Iron Man Premiere

May 1, 2008

(New York) The Loews Cinema in Times Square was thrown into a state of turmoil during a special midnight screening of Iron Man when a person believed to be an attractive woman was seen among the crowd of single overweight male moviegoers.

 

“This is weird, man,” comic book fan Paul Geller noted as his friends struggled to catch a glimpse of the pretty female wearing a form fitting Thundercats T-shirt. “It’s like she actually wants to see this movie. My last girlfriend hated all this kind of stuff. Okay, she wasn’t really my girlfriend. Okay, I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

 

Other fanboys in the crowd were also skeptical of the hot girl’s and her interest in the blockbuster film.

 

“She probably thinks it’s a chick flick because Gweneth Paltrow is in it,” Iron Man fan Steve Coleman sniffed as he snapped a picture of the girl on his iPhone. “I bet she doesn’t know where (Iron Man’s alter ego) Tony Stark went to school. It was MIT, by the way.”

 

As the lights dimmed and the film began, Coleman was heard whispering to his buddy that he’s going to tell everyone he scored with the mystery girl when he posts his review of Iron Man on his weblog.

Local VCR, 13, Unused For Years, Dies

April 7, 2008

(New York) A JVC VCR was pronounced dead Thursday evening, it’s lifeless plastic body failing to respond to repeated presses of the On/Off button.

Actual time of death will never be determined since the owner Nicole Rossman cannot recall the last time she actually used the 4 Head Video Cassette Recorder which featured Hi Fi sound capabilities.

“It used to belong to my former roommate who I think bought it in college,” Rossman sighed as she cleaned the shelf under the TV where the Progressive Scan VCR used to occupy. “I never used it since I Tivo everything and watch movies on DVD. I couldn’t even tell you what happened to the remote.”

With a partially viewed copy of While You Were Sleeping starring Sandra Bullock still inside, the VCR was laid to rest in the basement of Nicole’s apartment building between the recycling bins and the never used fondue pot left there by the guy in 5C.

Fake Movie News

March 25, 2008

Amanda Bynes To Fall Down A Lot In Next Film

(Hollywood) – Plucky, adorable actress Amanda Bynes has signed on to play Marie Curie in the upcoming Disney film Radioactive Romance.

The “She’s The Man” And “Sydney White” star will play the Nobel Prize winning scientist during her college years at the University Of Paris where Curie’s bumbling antics and goofy hijinks caused all kinds of trouble in the laboratory, enraging the always exasperated Dean of the chemistry department, played by British funnyman Ricky Gervais.

“Madam Curie was a pioneer in the field of physics and chemistry,” Bynes stated before shooting the food fight scene in the University Of Paris cafeteria. “I honestly believe this film will do justice to her legacy. We filmed the scene yesterday where Marie trips on a test tube, destroys a lab and discovers uranium. It’s very true to how it actually happened.”

Radioactive Romance will also tell the story of how Marie met and fell in love with her future husband Pierre Curie, who will probably be played by one of the hot guys from that Gossip Girl show all the kids are watching.